


door

by mitskismos



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Inspired by a Mitski Song, Light Angst, M/M, Relationship Study, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:27:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28448403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitskismos/pseuds/mitskismos
Summary: Kaworu knew Shinji better than Shinji knows himself.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	door

**Author's Note:**

> thank door by mitski for this work

Shinji didn't know himself.

He was afraid to search his skin for blood, duty, feelings, those came at a high speed, in an ugly way. Shinji was ugly, brief looks into his own intellect made the boy think that he could never possess the beauty that makes one worthy of another's love. 

Maybe Kaworu knew him better than Shinji himself. Just like his fears, Kaworu Nagisa had hastily emerged from nothing, maybe the angel was born to meet Shinji, to find the beauty the boy desired. To find the door to Shinji's feelings.

It cried out multiple creaks and opened to no one but the couple, to show them what's beyond it: A tepid, sticky, disgusting feeling that seemed to constrict their chests, A hopeless violence. 

They named it love. The door led to a space unknown until then, where everyone who tried to interfere would get harsh screams of "Go away!" from Shinji, except Kaworu, the white-haired being knew that a place where Shinji could return home and hold on to would lead him to happiness.

"Do people count?" Shinji asked when Kaworu voiced his thoughts, the fifth child scoffed as he realized how humans dealt with newly discovered feelings, Shinji had claimed that Kaworu's presence made him feel at home.

The angel then realized, he had already felt love, or at least he would've had if he was able to do so.

He wanted to touch Shinji, to kiss him. He didn't want to lose him. He wanted to feel better about his own feelings, or the lack of them. Kaworu wanted to cry, he wanted freedom, freedom to feel, to live, to show and to experience. Kaworu wanted freedom to Be.

He found absolute freedom in dying by Shinji's hands.

A door opened, as Kaworu thanked the pilot of Unit-01 for making his life meaningful. And another one closed, as Shinji found himself being beaten up by the hopeless violence that he discovered when he was by Nagisa's side. Love.

Shinji didn't know anything. He searched for somewhere to run to, something to feel, someone.

And he knew no one.

Shinji didn't even know himself.

**Author's Note:**

> this is short sorry


End file.
